Family Portrait
by MadQuinn13
Summary: Steve and Natasha have to go deep undercover. Sadly they pose as an old married couple far too well. Ships: Black Hill, I'll figure something out for Steve.


A/N: I know nothing of Utah but the jokes and stereotypes.

Natasha, Maria, Steve and Fury were gathered around the conference room in HQ.

"Where's Clint?" Natasha asked looking around for her usual partner.

"Barton is not going on this mission." Fury was quick to add.

"Why not?" Steve figured it was always a good idea to have Clint.

"It involves going deep undercover, we don't trust Barton not to mess that up." Maria knew firsthand how terrible Clint's acting could be.

"Why not?" Steve thought Clint was a great agent.

"He whines and complains whenever he has to wear sleeves." Natasha remembered when she dragged him to the opera and the entire time he bitched about he felt like he was in a strait jacket and this was after he took off the jacket from the tux and was just in the dress shirt and loosened tie. "He's worse than a toddler."

"So what are we doing?" Steve asked not bothering to ask what toddler Natasha has dealt with that didn't mind being in a tux.

"Getting married." Fury knew that Natasha wouldn't react to it, but Steve would and his face priceless.

"What? We can't get married. Maria will kill me." Steve spoke to Fury while glancing at Maria was just seemed to shrug as if she would most likely kill him for marrying her girlfriend but she knew it was just a mission.

"It's a mission Steve, fake marriage." Natasha rolled her eyes. "Why do we need to get married?"

"You're going undercover in Utah."

"Utah? Fuck sakes they're stuck in the 50's. They still have segregation!"

"That's why you need to be married. Otherwise you won't be accepted by the community."

"Fine." Steve was not happy with this.

"You leave in two hours." With that Fury was gone.

"Do I need to pack?" Natasha asked looking over at Maria.

"You're getting a whole new wardrobe, your clothes don't exactly scream conservative." Maria wasn't complaining she liked the constant tank tops and booty shorts.

"I feel like I shouldn't be in the room when you too are looking at each other like this." Steve pointed between the two who looked as if they were 'eye fucking' as Tony puts it.

"Then leave because in about five seconds I'm going to be taking Maria on this table….again." Steve wasn't sure if the speed at which he took his hands off the table was offensive or not but it had nothing to do with that fact that he wasn't actually sure how two women have sex….it mostly had to do with sanitary reasons, ever since Tony showed him that clip of hotels rooms with a black light on them he saw how much mess and germs came from sex. More reason god wanted you to wait.

"I'll see you at our fake wedding…..is there going to be a fake wedding? I'll call Tony just encase anyways." Steve had his phone out as he left which was just in time to hear two chairs crash to the ground and mugs crashing to the ground after being pushed off to make room for two bodies.

…

"Army boot camp was easier than that, and I even jumped on a grenade then." Steve complained as he changed out of the tux and into the 'Honeymoon' outfit. "Why would a couple take pictures of themselves in their underwear?"

"They're young and in love Steve. Just be glad it's not a sex tape." Natasha knew that there was no way in hell they would have to do a sex tape. She personally wished she at least got to choose the lingerie, the stuff S.H.I.E.L.D picked out looked like it came from the 40s and she remembered the 40s. They were terrible and that was not included the war and genocide.

"Why couldn't these be cotton, I don't like silk." He complained as he changed into the boxers.

"I'd take silk over whatever the hell this is made from. I think this is what the nuns wear to punish themselves for thinking impure thoughts."

"Are you thinking impure thoughts?"

"Only when I think about Maria…..and whoever decided this was a good idea but those are more murderous."

"I think murder is considered impure as well."

"Oh, then yes."

"Are you ready yet? I haven't got all day." The annoyed photographer asked with more attitude than a teenage girl on her period.

"Really because our time is so expendable." Natasha really wished that they would just make some interns study photography or something so they wouldn't need to contract out to the bratty artists.

"Now honey come on, they're for our wedding album we can't rush it." Steve didn't want to deal with the cleanup that would come when Natasha kills the poor kid.

…

The first night was weird. Steve took the couch since there was only one bedroom and of course one bed. They introduced themselves to some of the neighbours, at least the ones they got to open their doors in the medium sized apartment building. Natasha was trying to figure out how Nancy got in past the locked door but she had so many questions as to why Steve was on the couch how it was Natasha's wifely duty to steer Steve in the right direction and that she shouldn't argue with him, fights wouldn't happen if she had his dinner and slippers waiting for him when he got off work. After all the men work hard so the women don't have to.

"Did you install the chain after?" Natasha asked from the couch where she has been all day waiting for the target to leave his apartment but still as usual only the wife was seen so Natasha invited her in for coffee but the wife ignored her.

"When would I have gotten the time? I have to go to work to pay for this place." Steve wasn't use to undercover work. He got swept up in it.

"Work? You just drive around all day doing nothing!"

"I'm sorry what is it you do again to prevent you from installing it?"

"Please we both know the only time I pick up power tools is when I need answers and it's not going through wood!"

"Please we both know that is a different kind of power tool in the nightstand. Missing Maria?" Steve was around Tony far too much.

"You haven't had a date since the 40s. You're balls are bluer than the Union Jack."

"Well at least I can count on my fingers how many people I've been intimate with."

"Anyone can count to zero on anything virgin."

"Whore."

"Racist."

"Communist."

"Capitalist swine."

"Put the chain up so I don't have to keep sharing a bed with you!"

"Then take the floor!"

"We both know my back is sensitive, I need firm support!"

"You better go get you a training bra and some tampons then princess." Natasha rolled her eyes.

…

"Maria if you don't find some excuse to come here you will be sending in a cleanup crew to pick up the pieces of Roger's body." Natasha was pissed. Maria was worried, she didn't know if they could figure out an excuse for her to go there.

"Fine. I'll be there, if nothing else than to keep you from killing Coulson's dream."

"He already met him. He even gave a speech at his fake funeral. What else could he be waiting for?"

"I have no idea but he keeps coming up with more things. I think the next thing on the list is a baby." Maria stopped asking Coulson when sleep in his boxers was on the list. "I'll try and be there soon, please don't kill Rogers, S.H.I.E.L.D needs him."

"No promises, we're stuck sharing a bed."

…

"Natasha it's your turn to get the door." Steve called out from his spot on the couch to the red head on the love seat.

"No it's your turn." She had her eyes close and was ready to fall asleep then and there.

"I got it the last time."

"And I had your bonder poke me in the ass last night. Go get the door."

"I apologised!" Steve was more embarrassed by it than she was.

"Will one of you open this damn door before I kick it in!"

"Maria!" Natasha got off the loveseat and ran to the door throwing it open, than immediately throwing herself up on Maria, wrapping her legs around Maria's hips and her arms around her neck.

"Hey you." Maria was quick was to step into the apartment and shut the door behind her. "I missed you so much." Each word was punctuated with a kiss. "How's playing house with Rogers?" Maria didn't think that sending them on a mission where they might have to be undercover for months and pose as a married couple would work. But from what she heard from the other side of the door they were already bickering like one.

"Terrible, he doesn't cook or clean." Natasha of course didn't do them either but at least when she was living with Maria they could hire someone to do it.

"That's women's work." Steve justified himself opening another can of beer. Ignoring him Maria went back to Natasha.

"Any sign of the target?"

"Nope, just his wife."

"And?"

"He beats her." Steve sounded pissed when he said it, and Natasha remembered digging her nails into his arm to keep him from saying something to her.

"She looked defeated so we'll be able to get information from her pretty easily." Natasha knew the hardest part would be to get the woman to leave him. She watched Maria drift to the kitchen where she started pouring two glasses of wine.

"Knock knock." An overly cheery voice called through the door.

"I got it." Natasha said in a dreary voice that didn't match her fake smile. She opened the door and greeted the noisy neighbour Nancy. "Hello Nancy. What can we do for you?"

"I saw a strange woman knocking on your door and wanted to make sure you weren't being robbed." This made Maria roll her eyes and also want to mess with Nancy.

"That was just my sister Maria. She was just released from rehab, for her alcoholism." Natasha knew the woman would never leave unless she was invited in so Natasha opened the door wider and stepped back, Nancy immediately raced into the apartment looking around.

"If you were just released from rehab darling should you be having two glasses of wine right now?" Nancy didn't think that they could've been Steve and Natasha's.

"Oh it's okay. Jesus makes me drink, if he didn't want this he would turn this wine into water." She took a sip from each glass. "Haleigh praise him!" She took the glasses and went to the master bedroom only to be quickly followed by Natasha who wanted to keep an eye on her 'sister'.

"Now Steve you seem like a lovely man, but that sister in law of yours has sinful eyes for you." Nancy has sinful eyes for him too but he never brought that up, or the fact that if Maria had sinful eyes in his directions than it was because he was blocking her view of Natasha.

"Don't worry Nancy, I will not sleep with my wife's sister." He knew that was true no matter how you phrased it.

…

"That's the woman who keeps walking in?" Maria asked as she casually pushed Natasha down on the bed, laying down the drinks on the dresser.

"Yeah, even when it's locked she somehow gets in and sneaks up on us." Natasha was already undressing. "Put the dresser in front of the door and turn on the tv."

"We didn't have to be this careful when we were fucking in Fury's office."

"Oh please we both were kind of hoping to get caught, especially after Fury fucked that intern in yours."

Maria turned on the tv and started stripping herself.

**And God smite them down for their sins. For marriage out of wedlock will be punishable by boiling in their own sinful blood. **

"Why is the tv on a sermon?" Maria didn't want to deal with this bullshit now, not when she was about to have sex with Natasha for the first time in weeks.

"Steve."

"I'm going to kill him later, right now I'm going to focus on you." Maria started to straddle her and kiss her neck. "Mine." Maria usually didn't leave hickies but something about the fact that people thought Natasha was married to Steve wanted her to leave her mark on her.

"What will Nancy think?"

"She'll think we're Elsa and Anna."

"I'm so glad Pepper dragged us to that movie."

"Shut up I'm trying to fuck your brains out."


End file.
